It may seem like an empty promise, and that this page may be just one of my own private journals by this point, but that is fine. There are certain things that one must attend to in their life to assure that the foundations are firm and steady. Ever since 2018, it has just been development after development after development. Life certainly does throw everything is can at those it knows can handle them, even if it does drag them away from the things that person rather be doing. At least that's something I tell myself as a small comfort, as a small reminder. Better men and women before me have had it worse and have done more, and instead I don't hold those words in my head as some sort of complaint or self-flagellation. It does give me some sort of hope that I can do something and hopefully (soon even) get back to doing things that I prefer doing. Seeing friends more, pursuing opportunities in my career that challenge me, play games, and in the context of this environment: get better at playing and write more music.

Particularly for the last two years, my means of playing has been out of reach. Quite literally in the case of ivories. I have my guitars and even a small Martin Backbacker I picked up unwittingly in a time of stress, but it's not my first instrument (though I am trying to get better). Also where I am now both physically and figuratively just is not conducive to creativity. It's a special sort of starvation that makes your head feel thick jelly; a stagnation where your brain juices coagulate thus clogging and preventing the flow of any ideas that you may have-- and until it fully solidifies, it grows so clouded and murky that you can't even remember and ideas that you've had on the backburner. By that point, the backburner has grown cold and you haven't even got anything cooking, and what was there is not cold and disgusting. Put that on top of the atrophy I'm sure my hands have now and boy is it one hell of a combination .

There are ways I've been trying to combat it. Exercising, going out to read, listening to others, and of course good ole work. But actually making things yourself, composing songs as opposed to listening, writing stories instead of reading, designing things for you and others you wish instead of being told what to make. There's a difference there, a liberating difference. One that must be facilitated by freedom which seems to have less and less space as time goes on. Even then, it's hard to do those things if you have all of those ingredients without the inspiration which is why I still listen. So here it is that we'll round back to original topic of things one must attend in life.

It's been 5 months to the day as I write this. I'm sure a lot of people nowadays here haven't heard of Vangelis,real name Evángelos Odysséas Papathanassíou, but I know that many of you have just HEARD him. Chariots of Fire, Cosmos behind the voice of Carl Sagan, 1492 Conquest, great and iconic cultural pieces that have spanned generations and peoples; dedicated to symbolizing great classic works of art within a stone's toss of our age and commemorating historical achievements of our species. From cinema to extra-terrestrial exploration, the man has composed for the greatest things I think our species has offered and accomplished. I was in my car listening to the radio that was only just left on the news station by my mother when last she borrowed when I heard the news of his death on the 17th of May of 2022. This is the only celebrity death that really hit me. He was an inspiration to me with the subject matter of his writings, the grandiose contents therein, and the reverence all of them always held. If ever there was one to have it, meaning was his.

I was listening to some of my old projects on here and I came across Broken Tower. I combined organic and synthetic strings, bells, and pianos, lead by synthesizer voices-- a choice of aesthetic that was well-adorned first by Vangelis and by him made popular. It's a somber progression moving forward with the echo of a memory, but it's a progression that does conclude, even if ultimately to a broken shattered end. Then what? Well, the way I see it, we can keep building up anew, or just walk on back down. I have no intention of going back down, but I still need time to collect myself to do it proper. For now, a meager corner stone, even if only for symbolism which is strangely appropriate. Albeit years after I first wrote it, I would like to commemorate the song Broken Tower to Vangelis in his memory, as Funeral March to the Broken Tower.

In times where you can't do anything outward, which is more than what most people realize to some extent, it's time to look inward and work there first and foremost. Tend to yourself, to remind yourself why you even wanted to do something outward to begin with. Think it through, understand it intimately, and know the meaning of it all as best you can. Most importantly, to foster the faith and the love you have in it because that is in earnest all you'll ever have. Keep the flame in your mind going. Don't let the backburner go out. Keep the juices clean, clear, and flowing. Even if you can't commit to anything, just keep it running. Remind yourself of what and who inspired you. I do this today.

Rest in Peace Evángelos.